Please help!!!! After two long years of being on a waiting list
for an agility dog, we have been notified by the breeder that, at long
last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!!!

We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know
how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just
wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be
arriving on Monday we MUST place the children into rescue this weekend!

They are described as:

One male - His name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light
blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He
doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing
directly in the toilet.
Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have
already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house
trained & gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and
with a little training he should be able to read soon.

One female - Her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix),
strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can
be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament
tested but needs a little attitude
adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out,
and is very healthy & can be affectionate. Gets along well with other
little girls & little boys but does not like to share her toys and
therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick
learner and is currently working on her house training-shouldn't take
long at all.

We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right
for them; that is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can
no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.

I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have
a real emergency here!!! They MUST be placed into your rescue by
Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at
the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has
to be our new puppy.

-- Author Unknown

DOG RULES

1. The dog is not allowed in the house!

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5.  Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to
sleep with the humans on the bed.

6.  All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by invitation.

7.  The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but NOT under
the covers.

8.  The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.

9.  The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the
dog.

How To Photograph A Puppy

 

  1. Remove film from box and load camera.
  2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from
muzzle.
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
  5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No,
outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" rescue dog.

Welcome to (Your Vet's)
Automated Telephone System!

 

To make an appointment please press 1.

To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2.

To speak directly to a doctor press 3.

If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4.

For a listing of the doctor's home telephone # and beeper #, please press 5.

To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6.

If your regular vet is on vacation press 7.

If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6 PM)... please press 8.

For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog... press 9. If it is before 7am or after 7pm, please press 10 for our treatment technician's home phone number.

If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11.

If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12.

If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements... please press 13 for our office manager.

Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket.

If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14.

If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15.

If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist or e-mail her at prnhthn@aol com.

If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist.

To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes.

If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19.

If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heartworm medicine press 20.

If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days press 21.

If you have a 200+ lb.. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please Press 22 for drive through surgery service.

If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 23.

If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet.

If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25.

None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile. Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

Top 12 Things Your Dog
Would Say If It Could Talk

12. But it SMELLS like food.

11. The cat did it.

10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?

  9. Explain this 'heat' thing again.

  8. Mind if I sit there?

  7. You gonna eat ALL of that?

  6. I don't smell anything.

  5. Could I see the menu?

  4. FETCH THIS!

  3. Next time, I pick the bitch!

  2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!

And THE number one thing your dog would say:

   1. You are going to cut off my WHAT??!!

FUNNY

A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the darkness comes a voice, "I can see you, and so can Jesus".

The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. After ten minutes, nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice, "I can see you, and so can Jesus". The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle.
After thirty minutes, he decides to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sit a cockatoo in a cage, who says, "I can see you, and so can Jesus".

Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, "It's just a cocky". The cocky looks at the burglar and says, "I might be just a cocky but Jesus is a big German Shepherd".

---

A Veterinarian was sick and went to see the doctor.
The doctor asked him all the usual questions about symptoms etc., when he interrupted him: "Hey look, I am a Vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what is wrong just by looking." He added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked him up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to him, and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if *that* does not work, we'll have to have you put down."

 

DOG DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.  To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.  Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity.  You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.  If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.  To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out.  Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.  Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper.  When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your owner comes home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dogs response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.   DOG RULES NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe